To say that I am fed up with being chronically ill without an exact diagnosis would be an understatement. There are many aspects of this journey that I would like to throw to the curb, and I’ll list a few of them here for your amusement.
1. I’m tired of seeing doctors. I’m so over meeting new doctors, telling them my story as if it were some 8th grade oral presentation that I memorized like the back of my hand. The story makes me nauseas, doctors reactions to my situation usually makes me nauseas, and I’d rather be vomiting in the toilet than wasting my time with another doctor.
2. I’m tired of having flares. Just when you think you’re barely hanging on to the edge of the mountain, your body sends you a brutal reminder that you shouldn’t have assumed those barely ok days would continue. Hey, it’s me, your deadbeat body. Did you actually think you’d be able to walk today? Nah, maybe in a day or two…if you’re lucky.
3. I’m tired of explaining to others how I don’t have an exact diagnosis, but no, I’m not crazy. I’m totally legit. There are actually people who become so weak that they can’t stand, yet doctors don’t have a clue what’s wrong with them. It seems completely plausible, right?!
4. I’m tired of having to pretend like I have a PhD. Since doctors don’t think about my case when they leave the office at the end of the day, or even beyond my 20 minute appointment, I am left having to research on my own. The amount of medical lingo that I can understand should earn me an honorary medical degree. If I read one more article on inflammatory spinal fluid findings or carnitine depletion due to urinary losses, I think I may end up back at the toilet vomiting from that nausea I had from the doctors appointment earlier.
5. Ok. Now, how about the fact that each moment I’m alive, my body does not function like others do, yet I still, after 14 years, don’t know why. I’m pretty tired of that; if someone could just give me the correct diagnosis, I’d really fricken appreciate it. K, Thanks!
6. And, one final complaint. I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’d like to use that masters degree that I worked so hard to earn back in 2007. I’d like to go on field trips with my kids and be their classroom mother. Hell, it would be nice if I could walk up the stairs without being weakened. I’d like to be who I am; plain old me. It seems I’m buried in there somewhere below the rubble, just waiting to pop back out.
So, if you’re chronically ill and undiagnosed like I am, keep on telling that story. Keep on finding those doctors. Keep on keeping on. Just please direct that vomit into the nearest toilet, or you’ll be cleaning up a bigger mess than what you’ve already got on your plate.